I am a life coach. I said it, yes I did. I've been afraid to go there. I've been afraid of another false start, another disappointment so I've skirted the issue. I can't any longer. Today, I've had not one but two sister entrepreneurs shake me up.
It started with one asking me if I still needed a job. Although I was expecting one thing and I'm sure she was too, it turned into her giving me a pep talk. She said that I had talked about doing my own thing. At first, it seemed she had misconstrued what I was actually looking for but as she continued to talk, I realized it wasn't a mistake. She kept saying, "you said you want to work for yourself." I corrected her. I don't remember saying that. "I actually said I wanted fulfilling work," I clarified. I am beginning to wonder if it was a God slip that neither of us was aware of.
Another possible "God slip" happened tonight at Summer Camp for Women. We had a guest speaker whose topic was supposed to be "what you won't do for love," but it took on another energy. Somehow, some way, she began to speak to our dreams. Before long, we were reaching for paper and pens and coming up with names for our businesses and tag lines. Without a doubt, there was creative energy swirling around like an electric current, lighting on each of us and lighting the candle within. It changed the countenance of each person's face. Their eyes lit up as they talked about what they liked to do and what they felt passionate about.
She spoke to my slumber. "Girl, you need to get you a name, go get you a business license as a consultant and work for yourself," she urged. I smiled and nodded like I was hearing her, but inside, I was petrified. Not one, but two women read my mail today!! One thing's for sure. I don't think it was a coincidence that two ladies whom I had never talked vision with went all past my outfit and exposed me to myself. "Maybe the reason you haven't gotten hired yet is because you're not suppose to be doing those jobs," our guest speaker said. Duhhhh, I thought to myself. Makes perfect sense. Why else with your resume and swag would you not be hired yet? God heard me, that's why.
He heard the voice of Purpose within me say, "I want to do fulfilling work." He heard me say, "I want to wake up every morning excited about my day." He heard me say, "I need to feel inspired." So when were you last fulfilled?, I ask myself. It was as a subcontractor. It was!
Over the years, I've had quite a few subcontracting ventures, times I worked for myself and LOVED IT! First there was Odyssey Music Consultants. I subcontracted my musical talents for temporary gigs at church. What I enjoyed was being in charge of my own time and my own resources. Rather than being employed and subject to being there whenever the doors opened, I got to say when, where and how much. Ahhhhh, the freedom!
Bout the same time, I gave birth to Odyssey Administrative Services (yes, I liked the name Odyssey back then). I remember offering secretarial, desktop publishing and bookkeeping services. My favorite jobs were providing clerical assistance to my ex-husband's start up company and creating newsletters for Mary Kay Directors. I loved the collaborative nature of the jobs. Unlike being employed where the job is already pre-canned, this allowed for customization. The terms and scope and compensation were up to me. I could say "yes," or "I'll do this and this but not that." I LOVED that!
I wasn't confined to a belief. I wasn't confined to a desk. I could take my trusty laptop to a restaurant, a home, a park bench and do business. Sure, I worked hard and spent many long nights editing and proofing and printing from my then deskjet printer, but it was worth it. I managed my time. I worked creatively. I scheduled my day the way I wanted. And getting those checks! I loved taking checks to the bank day after day: One from Customer A for an administrative clerical job and another from a bride after playing the piano for her wedding. I LOVED it!
Fast forward a few years and I left a job as a substance abuse counselor with a larger vision. Purposeful Connections I called it. This was my debut as a Life Coach. Although the administrative emphasis allowed for the businesswoman in me, life coaching allowed another part of me to be expressed. The me that connects with the authentic soul of another. The me that delights in a person's raised consciousness of who they are and what would be a meaningful expression of themselves. Like a sculptor, I had chiseled away the excess to reveal the truest representation of my skills, talents and yes, purpose. Life coaching was the PERFECT expression of that. So why didn't it work? That's been the fear I've tried to hide but that these ladies dove all past to get to. There's a scripture in the Bible that says if you build it, they'll come. Well, I built it; but they didn't come.
Here's the thing. When you feel that you put it all out there before and fell flat, you limp away embarrassed and doubting the true strength of your calling. I took a leap of faith, developed my website, wrote articles to drive traffic to my website, opened up for business but it didn't go as I envisioned. Sooooo, I put a spin on it. When people would ask me about my coaching, I would tell them I was but it was expressed in my "consulting" with churches, teaching piano to kids, writing articles and blogging. I said this yes, but in my heart, I felt like a failure. I wasn't doing true life coaching. I didn't have clients who were willing to pay me to coach them. In my heart, I was ashamed.
Secondly, even with my subcontracting, it wasn't sustainable. I would ride high for a minute but then it would fizzle. I didn't know how to handle the fizzle. I didn't know how to sustain or reinvent. I didn't know how to be in that space. So, I'd run back to what's familiar.
I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm going to stop filling out job applications. Sorry, but my faith ain't there. I need income. I can admit however that my last job was suppose to create income so that I could grow my business. I lost sight of that. Instead of holding on to my focus, I slipped into accomodating. I started working more hours and shifted to what I knew best. I betrayed myself. I betrayed myself and it pulled me under like quicksand. That's what today has been for me. It's been a light shining on my shame. It's been a light shining on my shakened confidence. Maybe I'm not a life coach, I've pondered. Maybe I don't have what it takes. Maybe I've got these big dreams and it's all a bunch of hogwash,I've feared. And I've hid. My purpose tucked its tail and went underground while I got a "real job."
I don't know what the outcome will be this time; but I know after tonight that I've got to try again. My need for fulfillment isn't just a wish, it's a cry. I will try again!
